Dane Cook

Where do I even start? Why do people think you are funny? I really do not understand. Did I have to rush in (community) college to think your shtick is edgy/relevant/entertaining? Ok, so you sell out arenas packed with retards because you give them a cool finger thing they can all do. Wrestling and donkey shows also pack houses so let's move on to talent scale #2, your box office. So other than the one kids movie where you voiced a who or some shit, PeeWee Herman has been in a higher grossing movie than you. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET WORK?! Your face looks like someone punched Mark Walburg continuously with a fist made of feces sprinkled with razor blades. Just writing this makes me want to throw up. Can you up your coke habit and Brittany Murphy sometime soon?

Chris Martin

If drawing an "equal" sign on the back of your hand, etching Make Trade Fair into your piano, and naming your kids stupid shit like "Apple" and "Moses" make you cool, then hand me Xanadu and Clash of the Titans. You're not new, you're not unique, and you steal from people who are also fairly talentless. Do another Apple commercial to show how 'hip' and in with the kids you are, douche."Ah man, check me play Yellow on my acoustic". I'd rather be fucking dead. I'd rather observe my dick removed via chicken pecking and then be quizzed about it later than hear your bullshit rendition of this terrible band's song.

Celebrities doing commercials

You know what my life was lacking just a few short years ago? Celebrities on commercials. Now I can't turn on ESPN for 5 fucking seconds without seeing Luke Wilson trying to get me to change my cell phone plan. Celebrities used to have enough dignity to only overexpose themselves for profit (even more) across the ocean:

Hey Wyclef, way to go from Fugees to Mytouch, Christina/Beyonce your terrible music is driving me further away from Directv, who the fuck would want to smell like Britney/Paris Hilton/et al? Didn't know they were able to bottle the scent of cum, terrible upbringing, and soullessness. My eyelashes are a perfectly adequate length, fuck off Brooke Shields. Aren't you people whoring yourself out enough with your talentless cd's, recycled movies, and indulgent books? I don't need what you're selling (except for Hulk's ac unit). I hope that you have sons...handsome, beautiful articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.

People from the South

Have you ever listened to someone speak with a southern accent and then thought to ask their ideas for progressive change? No? That's because they're smelly, fat, ugly, and ignorant. All of them. They are the face of type two diabetes and, hopefully, the future poster children of forced sterilization. If you are from the south, and are having someone dictate this to you from the "magic box" I would love to hear your "thoughts". Also, the opportunity to punch you in the face. Git 'er dun.

Ben Nelson

I want to punch you in the fucking face, Ben Nelson. You held up the biggest overhaul to the healthcare industry ever so you could get numerous concessions. Your state has a smaller population than NY, LA, Chicago, and Houston. So why the fuck do you think your state deserves a $100M gift no one else receives? You sir, are a douche. Nebraska and you are perfect for each other. Hope you get incurable ball cancer.

Paul David Hewson (Bono)

There is no one better to have kicked off this blog than U2's front-man, Bono. Look at this asshole. Yea that sun looks real bright, better rock the shades (I'm sure your AIDS stricken friends in Africa couldn't use the $125 a single pair costs). Oh man, a carefully manscaped 3 day shadow goatee, how rock n roll. The only way to make this more trendsetting is to rock a scarf made in Uganda with a poem written on it...oh wait...PAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Remember the 80s when you weren't a self-important douche? Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I want to punch you in the fucking face.